The other day, I had a break down. If you really know me, this isn’t rare. I’m a very fragile and emotional human being. I’ll cry if you raise your voice at me. I’ll cry if you ignore me. I’ll cry if I get angry. One of the most frequent break downs I have though are of those when I’m disgusted with my weight.
My close friends will roll their eyes at me and in an annoyed tone will say “oh my god shutup” or “I’m not going through this again.” Which, I don’t blame them. It’s very annoying I agree. It’s annoying to live with and it’s got to be annoying having to hear. Something I’ve learned recently is to not be so open about your feelings or your issues which in turn cause me to have more break downs when I’m alone. But hey, better no one else see them but myself, right?
This break down was different. It made me think. I was getting dressed to go to a friends house when I looked in the mirror and, as usual, was not happy, and I could feel it coming on. My throat closed up, my heart sank, the tears welled up, all common things that make the little voice in my head go “hey, you’re about to lose your shit.” A common thing I’ll do is yank at my clothes so hard sometimes they’ll almost rip. I’ll throw something here and there. I’ll yank the pony tail out of my head. It looks like a little two year old toddler throwing a fit in a grocery store. It’s embarrassing really. Eventually I just slid against my door and cried. It sounds bad, but the crying helps.
After I stopped crying, I found myself staring at my wall for a long time. I’m talking a good seven minutes at least. I sat there and really thought “why am I letting this ruin my life?” How could I have possibly let this control me for the last seven years? Because I’m not really trying.
When I look in that mirror and react the way I do, I’m letting this disorder win. And when I sit against my door and cry? That’s the ultimate defeat. I have let it walk over me for so long that it keeps kicking me in the gut until I fall. That’s all it’s doing and I continue to let it. It’s no different from a bully. I’ve spent my entire life being walked on in so many different forms. People, words, actions, and now, disorders.
Eating disorders are NOT a choice, it’s a disease. If people decided they wanted to have an eating disorder to lose weight, we’d all be thin. It’s our mind that tells us yes or no. Trust me, as sickening as it is, sometimes I tell myself I want to go back the way I was because I’m so disgusted with myself. But it’s a hormone imbalance or something that sets it off in your brain that makes you go about these actions. The good thing about my case however, is that my mind has been trained not to think that way or do those things anymore. I’ve taught it to stay in recovery mode, and it’s doing what it should be, no matter how badly I wish I could go back. In reality, I was never happy, and I know that. The only high I ever got from it was looking at the number on the scale and even then I wasn’t truly happy. Yeah you get excited you’re losing weight, but it’s never enough. Your day is focused on not eating certain things or anything at all. You’re constantly hungry and still hating the way you look even when you’re so small but can’t see it.
There’s a quote on my wall and it’s my favorite quote of all time. “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” I went a couple of years being fully recovered and the last year had a falling out. I hated myself for it. I was so disappointed that I had let everyone down. Eventually I had to tell myself it was in the past and now it just gives me something to work even harder for. Truth is, I may never be recovered. I wake up every morning and I can choose to lie in bed all day and be sad that I’ve gained weight, or I can get out of bed, live through the day and accept the fact that my body is a gift and whether I want to believe it or not, I am beautiful.
I’m not saying this one thought during a breakdown has cured me forever. I am far from cured, and I will have many more breakdowns in the future. It’s the step after the break downs that show who I am and if I’ve grown as a person. Do I stay sitting or do I get up? I’m not the brightest girl in the world. I’m not street smart, my common sense is lacking, and I’m naive as the fuck. If there’s one thing I do know though, it’s this: I am worthy of this life. I am worth more than I think I’m worth, and I am BIGGER than my disorder. I’ll cry again, I know I will, but I’m standing up for now and walking away from the bully. I can only hope one day I can help someone else walk away with me.
I think the biggest turn on is knowing you turned someone else on.
My beautiful baby nephew (he’s really my cousin, but we have decided to call him my nephew because my aunt asked me to be an aunt to him) was born on August 11th @ 6 lbs. 4 oz. Immediately after he was born, he needed to be resuscitated and brought to the NICU. There was fluid in his skull, his pH levels were off and he couldn’t breathe on his own. With many prayers and all the supposed given to Aunt Laura and Joey, Andrew is going home tomorrow. I couldn’t be more blessed to see him so healthy and can’t wait for it to finally be safe for me to hold him.
Mae Mae isn’t doing well. Physically and emotionally. One of her dogs died, and when he died, he was looking up at her. Mae Mae has nine kids, and five of of those nine are human. Every single dog she has, she rescued. She found BooBoo on the streets covered in fleas, his lower jaw almost nonexistent. She found Bryce in the streets with bones sticking out. Blackie was another street dog that she stopped in the car to see the lonely dog wondering if he had a collar/home. It was pouring down raining. When she opened the door, he jumped into her lap and looked up at her and she was sold. Sassy is the newest and only two years old. Her son found her and couldn’t take her in, so she did. Her dogs are her life and when Blackie went, part of her died too. I could hear the pain in her voice as she told me. I hope she knows the life she gave those dogs. So much life that they would have never had because of her. Her kind spirit will never go unnoticed. I really hope she realizes that.
Mae Mae is also very sick. The allergies will go away, but there’s something wrong with her liver that they are trying to figure out what. Twenty six medications a day makes her very sleepy and lethargic. She keeps talking about how she won’t be here much longer and it scares the fuck out of me. She always has to say things with such negativity. I know she will pull through, but I need her to be okay. I know it will come someday, but right now I’m not ready for a world without her.
scruba dub dub theres a kitty in the tub
if a time comes that I do not reblog this photo it will be because I am 6 feet underground
Models they’re very slim, they put pics with their asses out all the time. But when I do it, it’s a problem. 🙌👏